From: Frazer Ruddick To: Santa Claus Date: Thu, November 11, 2010 at 7:52pm Dear Santa, This year for Christmas I would like a bike. Not just any bike- the fastest bike you can find! I will utilise its speed by turning it upside down and shoving Billy's fingers into the spokes while I work the peddles with my hand. That will stop him from asking me for a bite of my sandwich every day at lunch. I have considered spitting in the sandwich before he makes the request, but I think he will become suspicious considering my saliva is bright yellow after my usual routine of smoking two packets of cigarettes a day. One time I managed to use my saliva to glue the tusk back onto my mother's elephant statue after I broke it while roller blading around the lounge room when I had a day off school by telling her that I had contracted typhoid fever from eating McNuggets which had been sitting under my bed for no less than six days. In addition to the bike, I would also like for you to kill my parents. Although I am aware that your gifts generally consist of material possessions, I must insist that you take advantage of your breaking and entering into our home on Christmas eve and commit a murder while we slumber. Your assistance will be rewarded with extra cookies and longlife milk rather than the usual glass of fresh milk people tend to leave out for you for numerous hours which results in the milk being spoiled before you even arrive. I envy you for being able to drink that milk without complaint instead of throwing it against a wall and setting the house on fire. Merry Christmas! From: Santa Claus To: Frazer Ruddick Date: Thu, November 11, 2010 at 7:53pm Thank you for writing such a wonderful letter Frazer HOHOHO! We are having had a great year at the North Pole. The Reindeer are playing Reindeer Games to get in shape for our long trip on Christmas Eve, and the Elves are busy getting my Sleigh packed with lots and lots of Toys. Once Christmas arrives, I'll be off on my journey around the world. I'm reading your letter right now, and it looks like you've been very good this year. That makes me so happy Frazer HOHOHO! While you are asleep on Christmas Eve, I will come to see you. I have your list and will keep it in a safe place so that I don't forget it. HOHOHO Do You know what Frazer, Rudolph is here with Santa right now and he says Hi to you and wants you to say Hi to all of your family and friends for him. He is so happy that Christmas is almost here. I have to go now little one. I have a lot of letters to write to all of my other little friends. You have sweet dreams and I will see you soon. Merry Christmas Frazer Oh I almost forgot, don't forget those cookies! Love Santa Claus