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by Frazer Ruddick - January 5th, 2010
I recently moved to a somewhat rough neighbourhood. Initially I thought I was tough enough to walk the streets without concern, but after about four minutes of living there, I remembered that I'm as weak as a kitten and have a high chance of being stabbed to death.
Unfortunately in this country, every common device for self protection seems to now be illegal. So it makes me wonder how one is supposed to protect themself from muggings, rape, and just your common every day stabbings.
Today I got thinking.. Yes, guns, knives, pepper spray and tasers may be illegal to carry, but there has to be alternative devices which fall within the thumbs up of the legal system...
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There's no real excuse for carrying around a knife. The police would instantly disregard any claim of using it for protection from stabbings, and assume that you yourself are out there performing some stabbings of your own. That's where the meat cleaver comes in handy. Meat cleavers are generally only used as a weapon for serial killings, rather than street crime. So it's unlikely that police will consider it a threat against the streets! And of course, you can easily excuse the concern of you carrying it around by stating that you are in fact a butcher.
If you're worried about the police disbelieving that obvious lie, then I highly recommend carrying a steak with you aswell.
To be completely honest with you, I have tried this out as a personal protection device a couple of years ago. I felt very cool carrying it, and even looked forward to being attacked so I could have the opportunity to whip it out and look like a real bad-ass. Unfortunately the size of the meat cleaver meant that I was required to carry it around in a bag, and carrying a bag meant my masculinity was compromised. I also found when I told people that I carried a meat cleaver for protection, it made them feel uncomfortable, and instantly associated me with serial killers.
Pros: Sturdy; Makes you look like a bad-ass.
Cons: Too big to fit in pocket; Won't help you get a girlfriend.
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I've tried to think of many things that can be an alternative for pepper spray. Deodorant doesn't really work, and any concoction you create would probably be equally illegal as pepper spray. So that leaves fly spray!
Although generally kept only around the household, the general public's hatred for insects will be enough for nobody to question why you're carrying it around. It may not be the coolest looking weapon to be carrying around, but you'll be sure impress all the ladies when you inform them that you're able to both kill bugs and spray sex offenders in the eye with it! Women love a man who can multi-task!
Pros: Kills bugs; Effective.
Cons: Looks uncool; Bulge in pocket may be mistaken for erection.
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Let's face it, if you want to be safe, hanging out with James Van Der Beek is the one way to make sure you are!
Stabbing James Van Der Beek would be like stabbing Jesus. Nobody would do that due to the risk of going to hell.. oh yeah, nailing him to a cross might be another story though.
When a potential attacker sees that you're with James Van Der Beek, they'll either be so excited that they'll willingly trade in their knife for an autographed photo of the hunky star, or they'll still be feeling awkward after watching his masturbation scene in 'The Rules of Attraction' and back away slowly.
Pros: James Van Der Beek is involved.
Cons: None.